


You're my best friend, I'll love you forever

by shiningbaekhyun



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Pining, everyone besides changbin felix and jisung only make brief appearances, im sorry, jisung is the sweetest boy ever
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-25
Updated: 2018-05-25
Packaged: 2019-05-13 14:46:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14750883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shiningbaekhyun/pseuds/shiningbaekhyun
Summary: Loving Felix was like breathing until it began to suffocate him.





	You're my best friend, I'll love you forever

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time ever posting a fic so sorry if there are some mistakes! I've wanted to write one of these forever so here we go.

The first time Changbin had to cough so hard it hurt several yellow flower petals were left in the palm of his hand.   
The first time Changbin felt like his lungs were caving in and that he couldn't breath dozens of yellow petals littered the floor, painted red with his blood.  
  
♡  
  
It first started when Changbin was sat in one of the various practice rooms alone, going over his lines for his group, Stray Kids first group made song 'Hellevator,' and he was so tired, the circles under his eyes became impossibly heavy and he couldn't bare to hold his head up any longer; he had been practising for several hours already and he couldn't bare to go over the same verse anymore.  
Instead he opted to lay his head in his hands and close his eyes, he would only rest for a couple of minutes he thought, just to give his throat a break. His mind wandered to his members, he wondered how far they had progressed in their own individual practice. Changbin thought of Felix in particular, and how much harder every task would be for the foreigner with the language barrier. Changbin admired that, the youngers drive and charisma, Changbin had seen Felix staying up even later than Chan to study korean. He thought the youngers accented korean was cute, and he envied his deep voice when rapping. Changbin thought of the smile that would bloom across the other boys features when he found something funny, and the way his whole body shook when he laughed really hard. Changbin thought of how endearingly cute Felix was when he was tired, eyes closed with long eyelashes resting on the apples of his cheeks, and the way he always ended curling up into a ball.  
Changbins thoughts were disrupted by a cough, a terrible scratching at the back of his throat. Eventually he was hunched over trying to cough something up. Changbin wondered if he was getting sick, but he had felt fine all day, or maybe all the practice had finally affected him and he had exhausted his throat. The scratching got worse, it hurt, and when Changbin pulled his hand away from his mouth four yellow petals laid in his palm. The world around him stilled and all he could see was the dreadfully happy colored flower petals sitting in his hand. He knew what Hanahaki Disease was; Changbin had once read a book about a woman with the disease, and she eventually died, choking on her own blood as petals filled her lungs capacity until there was no room to breath. Hanahaki disease wasn't rare, but then again it wasn't common, and Changbin thought of who his unrequited love may be, but it wasn't a difficult question as he thought of the playful Australian boy with a smile as bright as the summer's day. The thought of Felix made Changbin cough again, and he was grateful no more petals came up.   
  
♡  
  
Back at the dorms Changbin held his phone close, in fear another member could peek over his shoulder and see what was lit up on his screen. He typed in the words,  h-a-n-a-h-a-k-i-_d-i-s-e-a-s-e, and was unable to stay still, tapping his free hand against his knee. He had to take a breath before pressing 'search.' What Changbin found were articles upon articles advertising surgery, the surgery that will indeed take away the flower growing inside his body, which doing so would cure him, but with the flower it will take away his love for Felix; and in worse case scenario take away Changbins ability to love all together. He wasn't sure that was a risk he would ever be willing to take, what was the point of living without knowing love? He found an article explaining the meaning of each flower, white daisies for innocence, red carnation for admiration, and Changbins own sunshine coloured petals, a yellow tulip for hopeless love. He felt that represented Felix fittingly, Felix who always cheered Changbin on when he was down and tired, Felix who always showed him how much he loved him. But it wasn't _enough_ for Changbin who felt so greedy already, with all the love Felix gave him it still wasn't enough, it would never be enough until the younger boy was in his arms. That would never happen though Changbin thought bitterly, because Felix didn't love Changbin like that, he would never love Changbin like that.   
"Changbin you okay?" a voice asked from above Changbin, who was slouched low on the couch in their living room, he looked up to see Minho, eyebrows knitted together and eyes shining with concern.  
"Yeah I'm fine, why's that?" Changbin smiled, shutting his phone off.  
"I've been watching you scroll through your phone for a couple of minutes now, you looked worried that's all" Minho said sitting next to Changbin.  
"Oh everything's fine I was just thinking about the new song that's all" once he said this Minho grabbed Changbins hand in his own, voice softening and lips curving into a smile Changbin dared to call pretty.  
"You're going to be great, you have nothing to worry about, it's a really good song." Changbin nodded, almost feeling bad for not telling Minho what was really going on when the older shows so such concern, but the other boy couldn't know, none of the other boys could ever know. What would they think of Changbin? They would think he's disgusting, especially if they found out it was a boy in their own group he was in love with, he wouldn't be able to debut and everything he's ever done would of been for nothing. Changbin turned back to Minho, who was wrapping Jeongin into his arms, both of them giggling when Minho tickled his sides. Chanbin adored this family too much to give them up.   
  
♡  
  
The next day Changbin found himself in the practice room, Hyunjin was going over the routine once more with him before all the other boys arrived. One by one they shuffled in, Seungmin first, teasing Jeongin who followed closely behind. When Felix came in he clung onto Changbin, enveloping the older in a back hug, the youngers breath on his neck.  
"Good morning hyung" he greeted, and Changbin could feel a tickling at the back of his throat. He struggled not to cough so much that he couldn't reply to Felix, and instead opted to squeeze his hand, which when their skin touched a warmth blossomed through Changbin until he couldn't stop himself from coughing lightly, and he could feel them in his hand, several petals, which were surely as pretty as the boy holding him Changbin quickly put them in the pocket of his pants and turned to face Felix who wore a similar look of concern as Minho the previous day.   
"Are you okay?" Felix asked, tilting his head, and he looked so cute, like a puppy Changbin thought.   
"Hyungs fine, just swallowed weirdly or something, now come on let's go with the others" with this reply Felix smiled brightly and nodded, letting the older grab his hand and lead him to the rest of the group.   
  
♡  
  
Three weeks had passed since Changbin had begun to cough up yellow petals, and it had gotten worse faster than he ever could of expected.  
He was hunched in front of a toilet, he should be back at practice by now.  He had said his mum had called (a _total_ lie) and would be back in five minutes. Twenty minutes had passed and Changbin couldn't stop coughing, his throat felt raw and he could feel the petals,  but why won't they come up? He coughed until he couldn't support himself, and he slumped over the toilet while he put all his energy into hacking up the stupid yellow flowers.  The flowers that represented the love he would never be able to have, that told him he was never going to be good enough, because Felix deserved the sun, but Changbin was merely a star.   
He kept coughing until he felt like his lungs were caving in, and he couldn't breath, and _this was it_ Changbin thought, I'm going to die choking on these petals. He was gasping now and Changbin thought how he must look, the situation was romantically tragic, yet there was nothing romantic about this scene, dry heaving while hot tears of frustration rolled down his cheeks.   
Once the petals came up they wouldn't stop, Changbin couldn't get a breath in and he was so close to choking on them, it seemed never ending and all he could do was to wait for it to end, or for him to die. The coughing eventually stopped, and when Changbin looked down at the petals in the toilet bowl he let out a sharp yell. What had happened to his pretty petals? Why were they stained red? It took him a while to realise they were coated in his blood, and once he put it together he could feel bile rising in his raw, scratched throat. Licking his lips the metallic taste of blood filled his mouth, and the hot angry tears had not stopped running down his cheeks. Changbin stood up, flushing the toilet and ridding the awful petals from his sight, he couldn't bare to look at them, the pretty petals that represented his love for Felix, a physical piece of his love for the boy, sweet and pure, tainted by his own blood, and made into something ugly.   
Chan approached Changbin when he entered the practice room and _god_ Changbin thought, he's going to have to lie to Chan, kind, loyal and selfless Chan who had always been there for him, someone that became his brother.   
"Changbin you don't look too well are you okay? You took a while out there" the leader asked, Changbin could see all the other boys listening while trying to look like they weren't listening.   
"Yeah hyung I'm fine my parents just spoke for a while longer than I thought" he reassured   
"Are you sure your not sick? You look quite pale Binnie" _great_ Changbin thought, _now he's using ‘Binnie’ he definitely thinks I'm sick._ Woojin stepped towards the two.   
"I've heard you coughing lately, let me check your temperature" he placed his hand against Changbins forehead.  
"You feel warm, go home and rest you can't be getting sick" Woojin smiled looking at Chan who nodded in agreement.  
"I think it will be best, then you can come back healthier, quicker" Chan's dimples looked especially prominent in that moment.  
"No no no I'm fine! Seriously!" Changbin argued,  whining lightly making both Chan and Woojin laugh.  
"Changbin you're no help here if you're sick, listen to yourself you sound so out of breath" Woojin said.  
"Now go on get out of here" Chan grinned while guiding Changbin out the door by his shoulders, he looked back at the younger members,   
"It's for the best hyung!" Jeongin yelled.  
"Get better soon!" Felix said while waving, eyes disappearing into crescents, and wow he was so ethereal without even trying,  but now Changbin is trying not to cough as he turns back to Chan whose smirking.  
"See you're already coughing again, I knew you were sick" the older stepped closer and his tone turned serious "I know you want to be here for the team,  but the team wants you to get better, so rest well Binnie" then he closed the door, leaving Changbin alone in the corridor trying not to drop any petals, which happened to stick much better to his hand when coated in blood.   
  
♡  
  
Changbin sat on his bed, he was supposed to be writing lyrics but the only words he could think of in that moment were those of the doctor who he had visited on his way back to the dorms.   
  
**Flashback**  
  
 _"You are Seo Changbin am I correct?" The doctor came into the room with a clipboard in hand, presumptuously looking over his test results_ _  
_ _"Yeah-yes that's me" Changbin felt so small sitting in the swirly leather chair,  looking up at the doctor who took a seat opposite him_ _  
_ _"When did you begin coughing?" the doctor asked_ _  
_ _"A month now" he heard himself say, had it really been that long?_ _  
_ _"And when did blood begin appearing?"_ _  
_ _"About a week ago" Changbin answered,  the whole conversation sounded very grim,  the doctor raised his eyebrows at his answer_ _  
_ _"Really?  You didn't come and see me earlier?" he didn't sound angry Changbin thought, more sympathetic_ _  
_ _"Well I wasn't going to come in at all, but it's getting so bad a coughing fit can last for an hour,  it feels like my lungs are giving out, like there's no air for me to breath" Changbin averted his gaze to the ground,  not quite sure why he was embarrassed at his confession_ _  
_ _"I see" the doctor said "you know there is a surgical procedure that can make all the pain go away" he said softly,  Changbin nodded_ _  
_ _"I've read about it, lots actually, but it takes away the love you feel for that person altogether"_ _  
_ _"But then the pain will be gone"_ _  
_ _"What if I lose my ability to love altogether?  I don't know if I could live like that" Changbins voice cracked and he could feel tears coming,  the doctor nodded seeming to understand his inner turmoil_ _  
_ _"Have you told anyone about this? Anyone at all?" Changbin shook his head,_ _  
_ _"No I-I'm in a difficult situation"_ _  
_ _"Why's that?" the doctor kept asking him questions_ _  
_ _"What are you, my therapist now?"_ _  
_ _"No Changbin I just think you need to talk to someone instead of dealing with this on your own. why can't you tell your family, or even your friends?" Changbin sighed, what is it with people always prying into his business? But then again, who else is he ever going to speak to this about? Maybe, just maybe telling someone about it could make him hate himself a little bit less._ _  
_ _"My friends, I don't think they would accept who I'm pining after, plus if anyone found out it could ruin my career" he looked up at the doctor after letting out a breath he wasn't aware he was holding,the doctor was nodding, most likely processing what he said and thinking of a response. When he begun speaking Changbin was surprised at the sincerity in his voice, soft and sentimental._ _  
_ _"Changbin I think I understand better than you think, when I was younger I had a friend who always seemed to fall sick, sometimes so bad he was bedridden for days. It wasn't until he died that everyone, including his family, found out he had Hanahaki Disease. His mother found his journal under his bed where he wrote about his unrequited love, another boy, who was also in our friend group. Not one person in our friend group was angry at him, like he assumed we would be, instead we were upset and disappointed in ourselves for not realising the signs, we all wished we could of helped him, for him to think that is his best friends wouldn't accept him, that was the worst feeling, we didn't care that he was gay, or that it was one of our friends, we just wanted him back." The doctor say back in his seat to let Changbin take in what he had just said, it had been very personal after all. To Changbin that situation sounded painfully similar to his own, but it didn't change anything, he couldn't tell the other boys, this went deeper than his feelings even. If the company was to find out he was sick he would for sure be removed from the group, and he had put his blood, sweat and tears to have his place amongst the members. Not to mention that if the eight other boys ever found out his heart's true intentions the group wouldn't be the same, no one would be able to ignore it as much as they said they could. To them the lingering touches, the soft spot he had for Felix that they all teased him about was purely platonic, to the others he was just fond of the boy, not madly in love with him. Besides as good a people as his members are he wasn't sure if any of them were homophobic, Changbin knows better than most how taboo the subject of homosexuality is in Korea. He shouldn't even be sleeping in the dorms, he knows that, if anyone ever found out his 'preferences 'he would probably be kicked out, and that just adds to the list of reasons why he could never tell._ _  
_ _The doctor rose from his seat after several minutes of silence, Changbins brain going into overdrive as he mulled over the doctors words. "Sorry to rush this but I have another patient in a couple of minutes, please if you feel the need come back. You can see me or you could request a counsellor if you feel the need" he grabbed a card from his desk "here take this, it has my number on it and opening and closing hours" the doctor opened the door_ _  
_ _"Thank you" Changbin bowed_ _  
_ _"I'll wish you luck Changbin, if you have any questions or if you need someone to talk to, you have my number."_ _  
_  
♡  
  
 **Present time**  
  
Usually the dorms are full of sound, whether it be the contagious song of Hyunjins giggling or Jeongins dolphin screaming. When Changbin got back it was silent, he didn't like it, and sitting on the couch without anyone coming and cuddling next to him felt lonely. Changbin turned the TV on, he had to remind himself he was home alone when he noticed no one walking in front of the picture. At some point he must have fallen asleep watching a terrible drama, because he opened his eyes to a constellation of freckles and teddy bear brown eyes looking down him  
"Hyung are you feeling better? Sorry if I woke you up" Felix said shuffling closer to the older boy.  
"Yeah I'm better now maybe I just needed some sleep" Felix nodded, satisfied with his answer. The younger sat on the couch next to Changbin, and with a glowing smile lighting his face he wrapped his arms around the older, embracing him in the warmth of Felix's hug. changbin had always thought that Felix smelt nice, a mix of vanilla and something that reminded him of nights sitting huddled around a fire, he couldn't quite put his finger on the scent, but nevertheless it was so Felix that Changbin ended up with his head buried in the youngers chest, the hum of Felix speaking to Chan vibrating his chest and straight into Changbins lungs.   
  
♡  
  
Changbin was lying on his back staring at the ceiling, the last time he checked his clock it had been near midnight, and he knew he was going to hate himself the next morning. Across the other side of the room the soft breathing of Chan was the only thing Changbin could hear, their dear leader, he had noticed how exhausted Chan had been looking the nearer they got to the debut date, but Changbin understood, the older had been waiting for that day to come for seven years.   
The slight creaking of their bedroom door is what interrupted Changbins thoughts, his late night appreciation for their hard working leader. A freshly dyed brown head of hair peeked around the corner of the door, voice deeper and Korean sloppier than usual from the lack of sleep  
"I didn't wake you did I Changbin hyung?" Felix asked cocking his head to the side, Changbin shook his head, he was now leaning up on his elbows to check on Chan who thank god was a heavy sleeper.  
"I- I couldn't sleep could I stay in here with you?" the younger asked stepping more into the room, and _ohmygod_ Changbin thought _he wants to stay in here with me._ Changbin peeled his covers back and shifted over to make room, opening his arms for Felix, who gave him a sleepy smile that lit up the entire room.  
"Thank you hyung" Felix said, his voice muffled with his head buried into Changbins chest, the older just prayed he couldn't hear the hammering of his heart.   
"That's okay Lix, I couldn't sleep either" he said throwing an arm around Felix's waist, while mentally scolding the flowers in his lungs to keep their shit together. Felix hummed, and opened his mouth before closing it, hesitating to day something, Changbin raised and eyebrow .  
"What?"  
"It's just are you sure you're okay? I don't want you to get sick" Felix looked up from his chest with an expression on his face that made Changbins heart leap out of his chest.  
"I wouldn't lie to you Lix. I'm fine I swear, alright?" Changbin assured the younger boy, a tickling sensation beginning to grow in his throat, Felix hummed in content before hugging Changbin just a bit tighter. It wasn't long before the younger was asleep, grip still tight around Changbin, who was lightly stroking Felix's hair, and leant down to press a soft kiss to the top of his head. The need to cough was excruciating.   
  
♡  
  
When Changbin woke up he almost forgot who he shared a bed with, the attempt to move his arm was futile when he realised there was a boy still asleep half laying on him. His own legs were tangled with Felix's and he noticed the youngers arm was still draped loosely over his own waist. A smile made its way onto Changbins face, he felt content, this was it, this feeling that warmed him from the tip of his head to the tip of his toes was the feeling every love song was written about. He wanted to wake up like this every morning, Felix's own heartbeat against his chest, his soft breathing on his neck. But Changbin knew that couldn't be the case, that could never happen, because Felix doesn't like Changbin like _that_ , Changbin doubted that the younger even liked boys to begin with.   
Self pity led to him coughing up a couple of petals, yellow like the Australian souvenir shirt that Felix was wearing.   
  
**  
  
One night the coughing was significantly worse, not only were petals landing in the water bowl, but stems that _hurt_ Changbins throat, and tongue and everything else, everything hurt while he hacked up the garden growing inside his lungs. Only a night or two ago had Changbin read about the roots, at first they latched onto the lungs, but would they eventually spread throughout his entire body, ultimately killing him.   
The other boys were asleep, at least Changbin prayed they were, _praying_ , that made Changbin think of Felix's rosary beads sitting beside his bed. Weeks ago he had been in a similar situation where the coughing had been particularly bad, that day he had been able to return to the dorms, where he could make as much sound as he wanted for as long as he wanted. Now he was choking on petals as he tried to keep quiet, Hyunjin and Jisungs room was only next door.  
Changbin thought of his day, it had started being shaken awake by Chan, who still wore a look of concern set aside for him only.  
"Changbinnie, you look exhausted how much sleep did you get?"  
"Changbin the circles under your eyes, they're so dark, are you getting sick?"   
"Please tell me seriously Binnie, do you promise me you're okay?" Changbin did feel awful for lying to Chan, who had purchased vitamins for him so he 'looked at least half alive' as the older had joked, but Changbin was sure he had everything under control. He thought this for a good five minutes until he walked into the kitchen, where Felix was eating some cereal still half asleep, hair messy and a cute dazed expression while he scrolled through his phone. When Felix spotted Changbin a smile broke out across his face, the heavy look of tiredness he had only moments before was now a smile to rival the sun.   
"Good morning hyung" the younger greeted, voice still ten octaves deeper than usual from lack of sleep, and a particularly Felix styled twang on his pronunciation. Changbin really did try to have it under control that morning, he did, but Felix's laughter made Changbin forget his own name let alone self control.   
A knock at the door made Changbin jump in his spot on the floor, arms either side of the toilet bowl.  
"Is everything okay in there?" Jisungs concerned voice called softly, Changbin sighed, he didn't want to worry Jisung as well.  
"Yeah I'm good"  
"Changbin hyung?"  
"Yeah it's me Sungie-" Changbin didn't get to finish saying what he wanted, he needed to cough and he needed to do it now, a violent fit began, Changbin scrunched his eyes up at the pain in his chest.  
"Hyung?!" Jisung called out  
"Jisung I'm f-" Changbin coughed again "I'm fine" he was starting to get desperate, _could he not just hack up his lungs in peace?_ _  
_"I'm coming in hyung you're not okay"  
"No Jisung pleas-" before Changbin could finish his final plea the door creaked open and a concerned Jisung had stepped towards the older boy, slumped on the bathroom floor like a rag doll. The coughing began again and Changbin couldn't hold it in, he let the yellow petals fall into his hand, into the toilet bowl and across the floor, blood dotting the buttercup yellow.  
"Hyung" Jisungs voice cracked and he sounded slightly scared, Changbin looked up at him once he was sure the flow of flowers had stopped.   
Jisung didn't say a word, his mouth was slightly ajar from shock and his eyes were becoming glassy, the younger took a soft step towards the door and clicked it shut before joining Changbin on the floor, leaning the older against his chest and rubbing his back.  
Minutes had passed of the grim silence, Jisung was examining the blood spattered flowers that littered the bathroom floor and Changbin was trying to catch his breath. Jisung was the first to speak up.  
"How-how long?" he asked softly, and Changbin felt his heart lurch, Jisung sounded so shattered, so upset, and it was surely all his fault.   
"I'm not sure Sungie, a month and a bit maybe" he muttered, looking up at the younger who had a tear trailing down his cheeks  
"Why didn't you tell me? Who knows?"  
"Just you and me at the moment" it took Jisung a while to respond, and when he did his voice wavered.  
"You've suffered for so long alone? I'm so sorry I should of noticed"  
"Ssh don't say that I was just good at hiding it"  
"Changbin hyung, are you going to tell the others?" Jisung asked   
"I don't know" Changbin whispered, the younger just nodded and pulled Changbin closer to him.   
That was the end of their conversation, Jisung soon shifted to begin cleaning the mess of petals and stems and foliage, Changbin didn't think he would be far off of hacking up full flowers, and he wasn't looking forward to that. Jisung helped Changbin up, cleaning the blood from his lips  
"Hyung" Jisung started, Changbin hummed in response  
"Who is it?" he asked, Changbin looked down and shook his head, his hair falling into his eyes, Jisung couldn't know it was one of their own members. The younger didn't ask again, he didn't pry and Changbin was grateful for that.  
Jisung made sure Changbin got to his room fine and bid him goodnight, giving his hand a light squeeze, almost like the younger was reassuring him.   
  
♡  
  
When Changbin walked into the living room the next morning he was met with the watchful gaze of Jisung, who raised an eyebrow as if to ask if he was doing alright, Changbin gave a quick nod.   
  
Practice was exhausting, Changbins whole body was aching and he needed a proper meal desperately. The other boys must of been thinking something similar, Woojin suggested they all go out to get ramen as a treat, and that is how Felix found himself walking with Felix's arm linked with his own at one in the morning, going to get ramen. Felix was talking about nothing in particular, just rambling, and Changbin had to stop himself from looking at the youngers lips, such a pretty shape, in fear that he would do something he would instantly regret. Changbin noticed the way Felix's eyes reflected in the silvery moonlight, and Changbin felt as though he could write a million songs inspired by the colours and expressions in Felix's eyes, a gooey golden brown in the afternoon sunlight and a hauntingly dark brown under the night sky.   
  
Moments like these are the ones Changbin loved more than anything, eating with the people he loved most in the world, because these were the people that had become family to him, and he hated that he couldn't be fully honest with them, because the truth is what they deserved. Felix was draped over Changbins shoulders, the older hoped he wasn't blushing too noticeably   
"Changbinnie" Felix sung softly in his ear, _the younger must of been severely sleep deprived_ Changbin thought.  
"Yeah?"   
"Nothing" the younger giggled, _definitely sleep deprived_ he thought while pulling the younger closer.  
Sitting with Felix's chest pressed flush against his back was like a moment in the perfect life Changbin dreamt of, but dreams are only temporary, the uncomfortable feeling in his chest began to arise, _why did this have to end?_ Changbin asked looking up to the sky. A full moon was covered in wispy clouds, a blanket of stars arrayed across the purple sky, _I would give it all to you,_ Changbin thought, _I would pull every star from the sky with my own two hands if you so much as asked me to Lee Felix._ But Felix would never ask him to do anything so extravagant, he found pleasure in the small things, a pretty flower in the park could make the Australian boy smile. That was one of the many things he adored about Felix, he had never met someone so incredibly good hearted, with pure intentions and the strength of a million men, while still remaining humble; and Changbin had known Chan for several years, he thought that maybe it was an Australian thing.   
Changbin covered his mouth with his hand, coughing as lightly as his body allowed him, as to not raise people's suspicion. Jisung caught his eye and sent him a knowing look, eyes wide, one that asked if the older was alright, if he was managing it.   
  
This time Changbin wasn't sure if he would be able to manage it in front of his members, his chest was crying out for Changbin to allow himself to cough, to give himself some relief. He excused himself and rushed made his way to a nearby public toilet. Locking the door he quickly sank to his knees and began to cough, hard. _Stupid,_ he thought, _stupid him for falling in love with the sun itself, the sun would never even look at a mortal man such as himself._ Coughing, coughing, coughing. Changbin couldn't get a breath in, his body was desperate to get rid of the garden blooming inside his body. He figured he had already been locked inside the bathroom with the flickering fluorescent light for at least five minutes before the first flower dropped into his hand, a whole yellow tulip, stem and all. This was the first time a whole flower had come up, and Changbin was terrified. The knocking on the door almost came as a relief, so he was able to escape his own mind, taunting himself for loving a boy that could never be his.   
"Changbin hyung is that you? Please open the door" Jisung sounded distressed, Changbin couldn't stand hearing the strain on the boys voice.  
"Yeah Sungie" he leant up enough to unlock the door, and once Jisung heard the click he burst through, with furrowed eyebrows and a thin lip. Jisung said no more, instead cradling the older in his arms, rocking him back and forwards softly. It reminded Changbin of being a child again, he closed his eyes and hiccuped while he tried to catch his breath, which was ragged and each breath felt like someone was pressing down on his rib cage, effectively blocking his lungs from taking in any significant amount of air. Changbin didn't realise he was crying until Jisung began wiping his cheeks with his shirtsleeves   
"Oh hyung" he whispered when the tears wouldn't stop, Changbin smiled up at the boy, whose hair was a mess and had his own salty tears running down his endearingly chubby cheeks.   
"Look at you Sungie, you're a mess, crying and all" Jisung laughed bitterly at Changbins attempt to lighten the mood.  
"You're one to talk"  
"I don't know what your talking about"   
"Baby Changbin~" Jisung teased with a small smile, Changbin hit the younger lightly on the arm .  
"Not even- not even" he began to cough again, Jisung immediately sat him up straight and began rubbing his back, but there was no flowers, petals or even stems, just a palm full of blood. The two were quiet while they watched the red liquid drip between Changbins fingers and onto the floor. _How did everything turn so bad so quick?_  
  
Changbin washed his hands and met Jisung who was waiting outside, the last of his blood swirling down the drain. He felt blessed, under these circumstances, that he had someone like Jisung to lean on, Changbin wasn't sure what state he would be in that very moment if Jisung hadn't been there to rub circles on his back and sing to him while he coughed up the flowers. When he exited the stall he saw the younger scrolling through his phone.   
"Jisung" he called, said boy looked up and jogged towards him  
"The flowers, they're yellow tulips.. aren't they?" he looked at the ground, probably feeling like he was prying too much, so Changbin grabbed his hand and squeezed it tight.  
"Yeah they are"  
"You know I was just reading about the surgery and maybe-"  
"I don't want the surgery"  
"But it would take away your pain, I know you're in pain and you can't hide that from me"  
"You know there is a possibility that I could lose my ability to love altogether if I have that surgery?" Changbin looked up at Jisung as he spoke, the other boy just shook his head  
 _"No I didn't"_ he whispered.  
  
Moments like these are the ones Changbin hated the most, having to lie to his members about where him and Jisung were for a whole 30 minutes  
"There was a cute dog!" Jisung exclaimed, Changbin was impressed with how well he lied  
"At one in the morning?" Woojin asked sceptically .  
"We thought it was odd too, but I mean it's not my life to live is it? and who are we to judge, we're all sitting at a park bench eating dollar store ramen at one in the morning"  
"Yeah okay alright" Woojin said defeatedly, probably just to shut Jisung up. Changbin thought it was both a strength and a weakness of the younger’s, being able to spout off as much bullshit as he could, in this moment it was definitely a strength. Changbin took a seat next to Hyunjin, he wasn't sure his heart would be able to handle having Felix so close again, not after what had happened in the bathroom, but the younger didn't seem to notice as he happily clinged to Jeongin.  
  
♡  
  
Changbin always loved Felix's freckles the most. _The prettiest constellation in the entire universe_ he often thought. They blanketed the bridge of his nose, and fell over the apples of his cheeks. Changbin thought they brought out the pretty golden flecks in Felix's eyes, ones which when they caught the sun just right made the younger boys entire iris glow a warm amber colour.   
He didn't know when he first fell in love with Lee Felix. Was it when he first laid eyes on him? Stumbling over his words and smiling widely to make up for his lack of communication. Changbin thought it might of been the night they performed at the JYP showcase, when they found out they would all debut together. Maybe it was the day Minho, Felix and himself went to the park and ate chicken while playing Jenga, the day he had to kiss Felix's cheek. Changbin wondered why the boy had chosen himself to be kissed, he wasn't gaining anything and if Changbin was in Felix's situation he would of made himself kiss Minho. Being so close to Felix made Changbins heart feel like it was going to fall out of his chest, it made his hands shake with nerves and it made butterflies erupt in his stomach; as well as flowers bloom in his lungs.   
Changbin couldn't pinpoint an exact moment he realised how completely in love he was with Felix, his best guess was that it happened gradually, frame by frame like an old movie reel, every memory a moment he fell for the boy.   
His ‘epic’ love led him to be hunched over a sink, spitting out blood. It appeared that even Changbins usual yellow petals didn't want to witness what was happening to him. All he could taste was blood, bitter and metallic, it made Changbin feel sick. He recalled the first time he began to cough, how naive he had been, how was he to know he would end up in such a sorry state?  
  
Changbin rinsed the sink and returned to the practice room 3racha were using for the day, at his return Jisung looked him up and down. The older boy was thankful for Jisung, always caring and so patient, dealing with all of Changbins shit. Jisung had mentioned telling the other members of his _condition_ multiple times, but it was always a suggestion that Changbin dismissed.   
  
At the dorms majority of the members were congregated in the living room, fighting over which channel to watch. Changbin was in his room texting his sister, he had thought of telling her about the flowers, because he trusted her and wanted her to know, but that would mean telling her about Felix, because she would definitely pester him to tell her unlike Jisung. Changbin was scared, he didn't want him sister to know he loved Felix, another boy, although deep down he knew she would never judge him, he was terrified of admitting it to someone other than himself, because then it would make it all so much more real.  
Changbin had been feeling so sick lately, the stems had scratched his throat so raw he could no longer rap, he was so exhausted that he couldn't keep up during practices from all the late nights hacking up his tulips. His members had forced him to stay at the dorms to get better, he felt isolated, he wasn't getting better, if anything he was only getting worse, weaker.   
"Jisung" Changbin said to the younger boy one day while writing lyrics he wasn't able to say anymore "how do I look?" he asked, Jisung smiled, as though he wasn't sure the older was joking with him or not  
"What do you mean?"  
"I mean how do I look? Honestly" Changbin replied, Jisungs smile dropped considerably and he looked down, playing with the corner of his page.   
"Sick hyung.. you look sick. Like you could drop at any moment"   
"I see" Changbin said "have the others noticed?"   
"Of course they have, they cornered me one practice, they know I know something they don't"  
"I'm so sorry Sungie" Changbin apologised, and he meant it truthfully, Jisung was more of a brother to him than anyone else.   
"Don't apologise it's okay" Jisung always said it was going to be okay, even when he knew it wasn't.  
  
He never thought he would consider the idea, when he first began coughing he buried the very thought of it into the deepest parts of his mind, back then it wasn't even an option, but as each day felt longer and longer Changbin had been thinking of getting the surgery. Was he terrified? Yes. More than terrified, he loved the feeling of loving people, of loving to do things, he didn't want to lose it. He also wanted to debut with his team, he couldn't do that if he couldn't rap. At the rate he was going he wasn't even sure he would live to see the day of Stray Kids debut.   
Jisung entered the room with a bright smile and a mug of something warm  
"It's hot chocolate, to warm you up" he greeted, nudging the older boy over so he could lay next to him on Changbins bed.   
"I've been thinking lately Jisung" Changbin started  
"I didn't know you could do that" Jisung said with fake surprise  
"You little brat!" Changbin scorned smacking the youngers arm, Jisung just grinned smugly   
"Anyway I was thinking of having the surgery" Jisungs eyes widened  
"Are-are you serious?"  
"Dead serious"  
"But why, you've always said no whenever I mention it, why now?"  
"Because I want to see us debut as nine, Sungie, we can't do that if I can't rap, or if I'm dead. I want to see Jeongin graduate and I want to see the day that Felix is completely fluent. I want to see our group win rookies of the year. I want to live Jisung, not be talent that's wasted" silence hung thick in the air for a good few minutes  
"What if you lose your ability to love altogether?"  
"I- I guess I would just hope for the best" Changbin muttered   
"It's a big risk hyung"  
"I know Sungie" Jisung moved closer to Changbin, so his head was on the older shoulder   
"Hyung" Jisung said softly, Changbin almost didn't hear him, it wasn't often the younger boy was so quiet  
"Yeah?" he whispered back, he didn't want to break the silence, Jisung hesitated, he could feel the younger tense next to him before letting out a breath and ask what he had wanted to know after all these weeks.   
"Who is it?" He asked looking up at Changbin, who just smiled bitterly, he thinks the younger deserves to know this after all he had gone through with Changbin, he deserves that at least. Changbin sighed.  
"Felix" Jisung sat up and eyed Changbin carefully before pulling him into a warm embrace  
"I should of known" he whispered in the older ear  
"There's no way you could of known" Changbin said, salty tears making their way down his cheeks and gathering in wet pools on Jisungs hoodie.   
"You know he loves you right hyung"  
"Just not like that" Changbin said, Jisungs voice cracked.  
"Yeah j-just not l-like that."  
  
**  
  
Only a day after Changbin told Jisung who he had this disease for, who his unrequited love was, did he find himself in the worst pain he had felt yet. A pain that felt like a knife was ripping through his lungs and down to his abdomen. Changbin was doubled over in the dorms bathroom, coughing manically, petal, after petal, after petal. Bright and happy like the boy he loved, yellow like the sun. It's funny how the world works like that.  
Jisung arrived not long after   
"Sungie" Changbin choked out "I think I need the hospital" he handed the younger the doctors card he had kept on him at all at times for weeks, ever since he had gone to the hospital himself, he returned to his place over the toilet bowl, _he could make a rather nice bouquet from all these flowers_ he thought.   
Jisung left the bathroom to call the doctor, and returned moments later kneeling next to Changbin, an affectionate hand on his shoulder.  
"We need to go downstairs okay? The doctor is going to come pick you up himself, so an ambulance doesn't bring attention" Jisung spoke softly, reassuringly, Changbin trusted the younger with his life. Always so thoughtful of Changbin, of his wishes that the other members weren't to know about his disease.   
"Jisung, thank you, thank you so much. I'm sorry" Changbin had started crying at some point  
"Stop. Don't apologise. Let's just go downstairs, yeah?" Jisung lifted Changbin off the ground, and let the older place his weight onto him, never before had Changbin felt so weak. He could barely move his legs, and his head, he felt dizzy and lightheaded, like he was going to pass out at any moment.  
The two boys made it out the front without anyone noticing, Changbin had stopped his uneven sobbing, only hiccuping occasionally while silent tears ran down his cheeks. Jisung yelled out that the two were going for a walk before promptly closing the door, before anyone could ask to come with them.  
It was windy outside, the cool air hitting Changbins cheeks began drying his tears. He lifted his arm and pointed to a nearby car, one where he could see the doctor tapping his fingers against the steering wheel.  
"That one over there, that's the doctors car" he started to cough again, a lone petal left in the palm of his hand  
"Just hold on we'll be sitting down soon" Jisung walked a bit faster to the doctors car, Changbin noticed his longer strides, his fastening grip. The younger greeted the doctor quickly before rushing Changbin into the back seat, and then sat next to him.   
"You don't have to come Jisung I'll be okay"  
"Hyung you're obviously not okay"  
"I'm tough"  
"Changbin." The start of a smile was curving Jisungs lips upwards "no one believes your dark image, not even for a moment, we see you"  
"That is incorrect"  
"Changbin you sleep with a plushie every single night and the last I saw your lock screen was a picture of a dog you found online"  
"Well" Changbin had no comeback "you got me there" Jisung just smiled and tapped his temple with his index finger, like he was saying I know all. The short car ride continued like that, the two boys making jokes to distract themselves, but when the car stopped outside the hospital the two knew it was inevitable, Changbin grabbed Jisungs hand squeezing it tightly  
"Come on, it'll be alright" the younger nodded, once he got to Changbins side at the front of the hospital he felt an arm around him, to support him, Changbin figured, _his thoughtful younger brothers_ he thought fondly. He wasn't just thinking of Jisung, but all of the other younger members, Hyunjinnie, Seungmin, Jeongin and Felix. Felix. Is that weird for Changbin to call him a brother but love him like a lover does? He figured it would be, maybe after this hospital visit he could call Felix a brother without any complicated feelings attached. Changbin could see the other boys faces in his mind, how cruel he had been keeping secrets. Hopefully he could make it all alright again. He doubted he would be able to confess his unrequited love to the rest of the group, but maybe if he got the surgery he could finally be open with everyone again, instead of being closed off like he had been for the past couple of months. Having the surgery would mean he could start contributing to the group again, he could start rapping again, stop making his members worry about his health all the time. The answer to all his problems seemed so clear now, yes he would lose his love for Felix, which would hurt because loving the younger boy was like breathing air to him, it was second nature. He would lose his first love, but he could live out his dream, one he had worked towards for years. Changbin thought of the risk of losing his ability to love completely, but how common of an occurrence would that be? He doubted that could happen, the love he had for his parents, his friends and his music was too strong to be lost during a surgery. Maybe if he had the surgery he would feel like he could finally breathe again.   
  
♡  
  
Changbin sat next to Jisung and across from the doctor in his office, the same one he had visited a month or so ago. Jisung was telling the doctor everything that had happened, the severity of Changbins coughing, the amount of blood, his constant exhaustion. All Changbin had to do was nod every once in a while to confirm what Jisung was saying was true. The doctor had his hands clasped on his desk, leaning towards Jisung with furrowed eyebrows, a low hum and a nod of his head every few minutes. Once Jisung had finished, eyes glassy and an arm linked with Changbins, the doctor turned to the older of the two  
"Changbin" he spoke softly but sternly, he almost felt as if he was being scolded "you should of come to me weeks ago, if you don't have this surgery, by the sounds of it I don't think you have much longer" Changbin swallowed the lump in his throat  
"I see"  
"Do you want this disease to kill you?"  
"N-no, I've been thinking about it, I think I want the surgery"  
"Are you sure? I know this is a serious decision"  
"I don't want to die doctor" Changbin said, Jisung whimpered she he did, Changbin turned to him "I don't want to lose any of you guys, we're going to debut as nine, alright?" Jisung just nodded, biting his lip.   
"I'll get the papers, I'll need your signature, and I'll get you into surgery almost right away, I don't think there is much time to waste." The doctor left the room, door closing with a click  
"Are you dead sure?" Jisung asked  
"I'm sure"  
"You know, I've waited for you to say you'll get the surgery ever since I found out about it, but now that I'm here it's scary" Changbin laughed  
"You're telling me that!" Jisung just blushed   
"You-you know what I meant"  
"I'm just kidding with you Jisungie, really, thank you for staying by my side all this time, it must of been stressful and tiring for you"  
"You know I, or any one of the other members would do anything to help you whenever you asked. This isn't a burden to me Changbin." He didn't reply after that, but Jisung wasn't really expecting him to, instead Jisung spoke again.   
"Aren't you scared of losing Felix?"  
"More than I've ever been scared of anything in my life" Changbin answered truthfully  
"What's it like?"  
"What's what like? be a bit more specific please"  
"Being in love" Jisung asked with shining eyes, Changbin felt himself begin to smile.  
"It's like the best pain you've ever felt, almost like you're being killed while being revived simultaneously. Like your handing yourself over to that person, a part of you is in their hands, and they could either crush you or hold you gently. Your happiness is their happiness, their sadness is your sadness. An unconditional trust"  
"Oh"  
"Why do you want to know? Think you’re in love or something?" Changbin teased lightheartedly, he could feel to thought of Felix begin to creep into the corners of his mind, Jisung started blushing, his ears turning red.  
"What? No I was ju-just curious"  
"Yeah alright, your face tells me differently"  
"Hyung!" Jisung whined, just as the doctor arrived back, clipboard in hand.   
Changbin was handed a clipboard, he sat there staring where it asked him to sign his consent. This was it, and now was not the time to be having second thoughts. He held the memories of being such Felix close to his heart, laying on the couch with the youngers head on his chest, curled up in bed with Felix's arm slung over his waist, on 1am ramen runs listening to Felix's lame jokes with sleepy eyes. The memories made his whole body warm. The golden hues of Felix's eyes in the sun and the way his face lit up when he smiled, eyes curling into crescents. The way electricity shot through Changbin when ever he made skin contact with the younger boy. He loved Felix with his whole heart, he wished he would be able to hold the boy close and whisper sweet nothings into his ear to make him blush a pretty pink. He wished he could hear the younger tell him "I love you" before they went to sleep and again when they woke up. But Changbin couldn't. Those possibilities were only ever going to be possibilities. Changbin scribbled a messy signature before placing the clipboard on the desk.   
"Are you ready?"   
"Yeah, I'm ready" Changbin answered, voice wavering as his body was wracked with nerves, he followed the doctor to the door, taking one last look at Jisung, who quite honestly looked like he was trying very hard to keep himself together.   
"I'll be waiting for you when you wake up"  
"I'll see you soon Sungie"  
"Yeah. See you soon"  
"Love you" Changbin said with a smile, he really did love the younger boy, a fond and kind of proud feeling erupted in his chest whenever he saw Jisung succeed  
"Love you too hyung."  
The corridors of the hospital were very clean, and the place was rather quiet, the doctor spoke up  
"This area is usually like this, it's specifically dedicated to the Hanahaki disease. That's why you were able to go straight in, we have a team in standby for extreme cases"  
"I'm an extreme case?"  
"Well let's just put it this way Changbin, one more coughing fit and I think you would of been likely to suffocate, or you would of drowned in your own blood." The doctor stopped outside a closed door "get dressed into a robe in here and then move through to the next room, the surgery team is through there in the operating theatre waiting for you. Everything you need to do to prepare is written on the walls. I'll be waiting out here until you're in the operating theatre if you have any questions"  
"Thank you" Changbin said gratefully, shuffling into the room. The room was cold and didn't hold much, a basket that instructed him to place his clothing and any other belonging inside of it. A rack of robes was at the far end of the room, Changbin stripped quickly and put on the robe that best fit him, and made his way into the operating room.   
  
Changbin laid on the table, the surgeons around him mumbling about his vital signs. One of them greeted his as the Anesthesiologist, Changbin couldn't recall his name if he tried. Everything became a blur while he stared at the ceiling, he was told to count from ten backwards, in his mind he imagined himself counting the freckles on Felix's cheeks, the freckles he loved so much. Felix, the most breathtaking boy he had ever come across, the last thought Changbins mind held onto before going under was the sound of Felix's laughter.   
  
♡  
  
Changbin could feel something, or rather someone gripping his hand tightly, keeping his own warm, but he couldn't see who.   
He laid like this for what he guessed was a few minutes before his sense became coming back to him, he could hear the gentle murmur coming from somewhere near his right side and the soft hum of machines. Changbin opened his eyes slowly, blinking through the harsh light while his eyes adjusted. He saw a silhouette, sitting beside him, the person who was holding his hand  
"Jisung?" Changbin questioned, his voice was scratchy and strained, the boy jumped at his words   
"Yeah it's me" Jisung came closer to his face, a bright smile on his face, but something wasn't right. Changbin just couldn't put his finger on it.   
"How do you feel?" Jisung asked. Changbin thought of Felix, the physical embodiment of the sun, he tried to find the feelings he had for the younger. He felt nothing.   
"I feel fine"  
"You know the doctor said you can leave by evening, he was telling me about the healing technology they have here, it's really amazing! The others won't even know a thing" Jisung was rambling, Changbin smiled and ruffled the youngers hair, who started whining  
"Sounds good, wanna get something nice to eat on the way home?"  
"Yeah, okay hyung. You sure you'll be alright"  
"I'll be fine, and it's my treat, as a thank you."  
  
♡  
  
Changbin was discharged around eight o'clock that night. He walked shoulder to shoulder with Jisung, on the way to the younger boys favourite noodle place. The strange feeling was still there in his chest, and Changbin couldn't work out what it was, but something wasn't the same.  
He sat across from Jisung who was eating his noodles happily, talking about anything that came to mind.   
The two boys returned to the dorms around 11pm, everyone else was already asleep.   
Changbin had underestimated the amount of food Jisung could eat, and his credit card was going to be suffering, but the younger had probably only eaten some shitty hospital food that entire day, and that was entirely Changbins fault, so he let the other boy order what he wanted, even if it was the most expensive item on the menu.   
  
By twelve Changbin was laying in bed, the strange feeling he couldn't shake was taunting him, he couldn't figure out what the feeling was. Changbin thought of what he would do the next day. He would go to practice and actually be able to rap. He thought of Felix, who was only a room over. Changbin felt nothing but a fondness for the boy now, the same fondness he had for all the younger members. Tomorrow he would be able to spend the entire day with the members, without having to leave for an hour at a time to cough up piles of yellow petals. Changbin thought he would be looking forward to how everything used to be, making music and being with his members, but he only felt a shallow warmth in the place where he used to feel fiery passion. The leaping feelings of anticipation he used to have when he thought about being able to practice the song he helped to write was gone. The fierce adoration for his members was dimmed to a fondness. Needless to say Changbin didn't sleep much that night, the thought of what he may of just lost besides his love for Felix was keeping him awake.   
  
♡  
  
The next morning came too quickly, Changbin had barely slept before he was shuffling to the kitchen where he could hear Chan and Felix speaking in loud English. Once he entered the room the two Australians stopped and reverted to Korean so Changbin was able to join in on the conversation. Changbin didn't speak a word, he couldn't even look at either of them for more than three seconds before that strange void in his chest crept up on him, almost like a large chunk of his heart had been removed, and for all Changbin knew- maybe it had.   
  
The nine boys were sitting in a circle after going through the choreography the entire morning, catching their breaths and chugging down bottles of water. The tugging in his chest was an unavoidable feeling, none of the possible conclusions of what it may be were looking very promising for Changbin at all. A quick search on his phone told him he wasn’t supposed to feel this way after the surgery- but the feeling of missing something was a common side effect of losing your ability to love. Changbin felt his heart stop, this couldn’t happen to him? The love he felt for his members was always so strong, he remembered the feeling of love he had reserved for the eight boys, but in that moment a dull emptiness filled him, the silence of his heart the melody of his tears.

 

Felix crawled over to Changbin and draped himself over the smaller boys body.   
"Why didn't you tell me you were going to the park yesterday? I would of come along" Felix pouted.   
"You were sleeping, I didn't want to wake you up" Changbin said softly, turning to face the younger. Changbin remembered the universe's he used to see in Felix's eyes, but facing the other boy now he couldn't find a single star.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading hope you enjoyed!
> 
> Come yell with me on tumblr if you'd like @minhohmygod


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